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Some Funny Stuff Some Funny Stuff

Posted on by MICHELE ANDREANO

Some Funny Stuff

We wanted to end the week with some light-hearted laughter, because we need it. We brought forth some of the dumbest, but hilarious, jokes from some of our favorite sources of laughter. Here they are:

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."  Demetri Martin

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.” Groucho Marx

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”  Zach Galifianakis:

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’”.  Bob Newhart

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably crap.” Stephen K. Amos

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” Phil Wang

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” Steve Martin

 

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” Frankie Boyle

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett

And some more good puns:

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though, he woke up

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed

And maybe some final story jokes:

A man has been drinking all day at a local bar and checks his watch.

"1:30am, rats. I need to go home now or my wife's going to kill me", he thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly on the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the bartender for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder.

At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his sleeping wife and passes out.

The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So... how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?"

The man is certain his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers... we didn't drink much... just a couple of beers."

His wife starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, you left your wheelchair there."

Maybe one more:

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called David, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No", I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that little boy.

Okay one more since you asked...:

Norman is 89 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement over 20 years ago. One day he arrives home upset. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight is so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where the dang thing goes."

His wife sympathises and makes him a hot cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one last try."

"That's a terrible idea" says Norman, "your brother's 102 years old. How could he help?"

"He may be 102 years old", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

Norman figured he'd give it a try.

So the next day he heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Norman.

"Where did what go? Do I know you?"

We hope you had a good laugh. We definitely did.

Enjoy your weekend!

Some Funny Stuff

We wanted to end the week with some light-hearted laughter, because we need it. We brought forth some of the dumbest, but hilarious, jokes from some of our favorite sources of laughter. Here they are:

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."  Demetri Martin

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.” Groucho Marx

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”  Zach Galifianakis:

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’”.  Bob Newhart

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably crap.” Stephen K. Amos

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” Phil Wang

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” Steve Martin

 

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” Frankie Boyle

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett

And some more good puns:

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though, he woke up

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed

And maybe some final story jokes:

A man has been drinking all day at a local bar and checks his watch.

"1:30am, rats. I need to go home now or my wife's going to kill me", he thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly on the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the bartender for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder.

At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his sleeping wife and passes out.

The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So... how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?"

The man is certain his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers... we didn't drink much... just a couple of beers."

His wife starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, you left your wheelchair there."

Maybe one more:

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called David, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No", I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that little boy.

Okay one more since you asked...:

Norman is 89 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement over 20 years ago. One day he arrives home upset. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight is so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where the dang thing goes."

His wife sympathises and makes him a hot cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one last try."

"That's a terrible idea" says Norman, "your brother's 102 years old. How could he help?"

"He may be 102 years old", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

Norman figured he'd give it a try.

So the next day he heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Norman.

"Where did what go? Do I know you?"

We hope you had a good laugh. We definitely did.

Enjoy your weekend!

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